Basketball Fiend

(Photo credit: nba.com)

Mine is officially the last NBA preview in a very cool series of NBA previews organized by Jeff Clark of Celtics Blog. For a more clearly-written or optimistic Sacramento Kings preview, I recommend the ones at Sactown Royalty and Cowbell Kingdom. After watching the Kings play the Thunder I feel like throwing myself in a well. That’s probably not the way you want to start the season.

Team Name: Sacramento Kings
Last Year’s Record: 17-65
Key Losses: Bobby Jackson, Rashad McCants, Ike Diogu, Calvin Booth, attendance, the respect of the mainstream media 
Key Additions: Tyreke Evans, Sean May, Omri Casspi, Jon Brockman, Sergio Rodriguez, Desmond Mason, Paul Westphal

1. What significant moves were made during the off-season?
The Kings added a tremendous talent in draft pick Tyreke Evans. Evans is like one of those soldiers you see in the movies trained for one purpose: taking lives. Think Jason Bourne. Or Kurt Russell in “Soldier.” Except Evans wasn’t trained since birth to kill, he was trained to dominate the game of basketball. And he will. Eventually. But first he’s going to go through some growing pains. Forced shots, turnovers, silly fouls, that kind of thing. It’s a learning process, so hang with him Kings fans. He’ll be worth the wait.

I don’t consider Sean May and Desmond Mason key additions as much as I consider them cheap roster fillers. (Sorry, just being honest.) They’ll add something of value, I’m sure. I just haven’t figured out what it is yet.

Omri Casspi and Jon Brockman are promising rookies. They bring energy and tenacity. As I’m watching the Kings this season and thinking about ending it all, I’m fairly certain these two will be ones who bring me back from the edge. Also, Brockman is hilarious on Twitter. Follow him. It’s worth your time.

Paul Westphal was a key acquisition as well. He’s the first “knows what he’s doing” coach we’ve had in three years. Unfortunately, he has this roster to work with. Not exactly the ‘86 Celtics if you know what I mean.

2. What are the team’s biggest strengths?
The honest answer? Helping other teams win games. But “other teams” implies the Grizzlies, and that simply isn’t true. The Grizzlies will be the only team worse than the Kings this season. Therefore, the Kings will not help the Grizzlies win games. Instead I’m going to go with scoring points in garbage time. This one’s all you, Donte Greene!

3. What are the team’s biggest weaknesses?
Not having a time machine that can take everyone back to 2002 so we can collectively punch League officials in the face for ruining our best chance at a championship. Close second: not having one of those flash forget-everything devices the guys use in “Men in Black” to erase three years of bad memories. A flash that would erase Eric Musselman, Reggie Theus and Greg Ostertag? Yeah, I’d pay a large sum of money for that right now.

On a serious note: defense, rebounding, shooting, interior offense and ball control. I was just stalling because it makes me so depressed.    

4. What are the goals for this team?
I’m fairly certain the team goals are, in order: not lose money, sell tickets, advance the young talent, keep Kevin Martin from turning into Jack Nicholson in “One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest,” move Kenny Thomas’ expiring contract, get Donte Greene a reality show, find a low budget way to promote Tyreke Evans for Rookie of the Year, and successfully incorporate yarmulkes into the culture of Arco Arena (in honor of Omri Casspi).

I’m pretty sure “avoid being labeled ‘the Detroit Lions of the NBA’” is a pretty big priority as well. Other than that, I’m not sure.   

5. Will this team drive me to drink?
A resounding yes. By the end of the season I will look like this.

When will the madness end?

Projected Finish: 20-62

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