Your Guide to NBA Hell

                    By: Patrick Crawley

 

A Guided Tour Through the Nine Circles of NBA Hell

In the early 1300's an Italian poet named Dante Aligheri wrote an epic about his imaginatory journey through the afterlife. The epic, titled the Divine Comedy, details Dante's journey through Hell, Purgatory and Paradise. Through Hell (often referred to as "the Inferno") and Purgatory, Dante is led by the Roman poet Virgil. In the Inferno Virgil guides Dante through the nine circles of Hell, each circle representing an increasing level of torture. For instance, those who are committed to the first circle (the unbaptized) mourn their separation from God while those in the second circle (the lustful) have their souls tossed around in a violent wind for eternity. The final circle, the most miserable of them all, is the ninth circle where people are frozen in ice to varying depths, depending on the level of their betrayal. Some are frozen only to their ankles while others, the truly vile, are held waist-deep in ice. In other words, the first few circles of the Inferno aren't so bad, but the last few are excruciatingly painful.

Reflecting on the recently-completed Jason Kidd trade, I got to thinking about certain teams in the NBA and how getting traded to those teams is a lot like getting sent down into the depths of Dante's Inferno. If you think about it, there are a number of similarities between Dante's Hell and Basketball Hell. For one thing, whether you're getting sent to Dante's Hell or NBA Hell, there's absolutely nothing you can do about your situation. Unless you're Vince Carter and you whine incessantly. In Dante's Hell, you have the devil physically restraining you in the depths of Hades, or the core of the Earth, or a mountain of lava (depending on your interpretation of Hell). In NBA Hell, you have a contract (less physical, of course, but no less binding) which forces you to beg for mercy from a different kind of demon (the General Manager). Either way, you're stuck in a miserable bind and have no other choice but to suffer indignantly for years (in the case NBA Hell) or Eternity (in the case of the Inferno).

Another similarity is the varying degrees of torture. Just as there were varying degrees of pain represented in the various circles of Dante's Hell, there are certain low-level NBA teams that are relatively painless (like the Miami Heat, for instance) and others that cause you agonizing pain for long periods of time (the Sacramento Kings of the early 90's, for example). In the first scenario, you feel only a bit of discomfort. But in the latter scenario, the misery is drawn out from losing season to losing season until the frustration finally boils over and the GM is forced to blow everything up and start over again. In other words, the the NBA hierarchy of lower tier teams is made up of different levels of misery; just as in Dante's nine circles of Hell.

A final similarity between Dante's Hell and Basketball Hell is the people. In Dante's version of Hell, you don't get to hang out with beautiful women or your buddies or even anyone that you might remotely like. You're in Hell and you're stuck with a bunch of degenerates. The quality of life is awful. The same philosophy applies to NBA Hell. Guys who are traded to horrible teams are often stuck with slackers, under-acheivers or players who just have no talent to begin with. It's horrible.

In keeping with this idea of an NBA Inferno, I've decided to devise my own guide to the nine circles of Basketball Hell. Like Dante, we'll begin with the first circle (the one that is least horrible) and move all the way to the ninth circle (the absolute worst nightmare for any player at the NBA level). The criteria for determining the Circles of NBA Hell are the following: 1) current performance; 2) team environment; 3) coaching and personnel; and 4) predicted future success.

With all apologies to Dante Aligheri, I present to you the Nine Circles of NBA Hell:

 

First Circle: The One-Year Roast (Miami Heat)

Welcome to Miami, the lowest level of NBA Hell. It's really no surprise to find Pat Riley's squad included here. Miami is currently the worst team in the league with a miserable record of 5-22 at home, and 9-44 overall. The Heat's league-worst record cements a historic two-year flop during which the Heat have gone from NBA champions to the worst team in the league.

In terms of current performance, the Heat are obviously bad. But they figure to get better with the addition of Shawn Marion. Marion's up-and-down style has allowed Miami to explore a more fast-paced offense. This seems to suit Dwyane Wade's style a lot better than the slow-it-down, halfcourt attack that was popular when Shaq was in town. Adding Marion does not, however, address the team's obvious lack of a true center. Nor does it alleviate the mediocre point guard play of the unholy trinity of Jason "White Chocolate" Williams, Smush Parker and Marcus Banks. These are fatal flaws which cripple the Heat against better teams and keep them in lottery pick contention. Fun fact: the Heat have lost 26 of their last 27 games. Think Shawn Marion is reconsidering his trade demand yet?

In terms of team environment, it is a concern that Riley has brought in quite a few me-first players as stop-gaps to get rid of bad contracts or to fill holes. First on that list is Ricky Davis, the guy who once missed a layup on purpose so he could grab the board and complete a triple-double. He failed, by the way, and got called for travelling. Joining Davis are former Lakers whipping boy Smush Parker and Jason Williams, who was famous for smoking out in Sac-town. I haven't heard anything negative about these players since they've come to Miami, so Riley must be keeping them in check. But at the same time, it's not exactly a locker room you would welcome a trade to. Especially with the self-consumed Marion now a major player.

But even with the glaring holes at PG and C and the "challenging" personalities of Davis and Parker, things don't really look that bad in Miami. In spite of that horrible record, the Heat routinely sell out their home games (according to ESPN) and enjoy the 6th best average attendance in the NBA. The Heat have only suffered eight losses blowout losses (losses by 15 or more points), which means that Riley still has control of his team. Also, Davis and Williams ($20 million in salary combined) are coming off of the payroll next season, so the Heat will have enough financial leeway to fill their holes in free agency. Not to mention the fact that they'll be cutting ties with two notorious headcases/ball-hogs.

Adding to the postive direction is the fact that Dwyane Wade and Udonis Haslem are under contract until 2010 and Shawn Marion has the option to stay until 2009 (an option which I'm guessing he will use because I can't think of many better places to live or play in than Miami). This means that the Heat bring a playoff-contending nucleus to the table in 2009, plus enough cap room to sign a top notch big man. To top it all off, they will likely have a high pick in the 2008-09 draft; a draft that is loaded with talented point guards (a position of need). So while it may be a horrible year in 2008 for Miami and its fans, the team can look forward to a much improved year in 2009.

 

Second Circle: The Great Unknown (Philadelphia 76ers)

There are quite a few unknowns in Philly, which is why I'm including them as one of my Hell teams. The most important unknown is whether Andre Iguodala can carry an NBA team or not. Iggy's a great defender and a ferocious finisher, but he's also a lousy outside shooter and he has yet to prove that he can carry a team on his shoulders (like say, Brandon Roy). It is rumored that Iguodala will demand max money in the offseason, but I have yet to talk to anyone who thinks he deserves it. Most NBA minds consider him an ideal supporting player rather than a leading man. Given that opinion, it's not a slam dunk that Philly will re-sign him after the season ends (although they certainly will have the cap room to do so).

Leading into Wednesday night, I was all set to explore the uncertainty of Mo Cheeks' upcoming contract expiration. I even had a whole paragraph mapped out about it, listing ways that a rift could develop between the players (who love Cheeks) and the ownership. Fortunately for Philadelphia's organization, they did the right thing and extended Cheeks until 2009.

The second, slightly smaller unknown is the Great Big Free Agent Dilemma. Many elite players (like Allen Iverson, Jermaine O'Neal, Elton Brand and Gilbert Arenas) are facing early termination options this summer. This means that there is the potential for a lot of talented players to be on the market. But it also means that the free agent crop could be very scarse (if the majority of these players choose to stay with their current teams).

If the players listed above are happy with the conditions of their contract and the status of their team, franchises with money to spend (like Philly) will be in a mad scramble to sign a few, elite free agents like Luol Deng and Monta Ellis. In other words, it will be feast or famine for the 76ers this offseason. And if it's famine, look out. Philadelphia is notoriously tough on its GMs, coaches and star athletes. With a good young center in Samuel Dalembert and an up-and-coming star in forward Thaddeus Young, the Sixers have enough tools to stay competitive this season in the pitiful East (they are currently in the 8th playoff spot). But if they don't find a quality free agent this offseason to take their team to the next level, look for Philly fans to rip Stefanski a new one in 2009.

 

Third Circle: The Cesspool of Mediocrity (Indiana Pacers)

For some reason, Indiana reeks of mediocrity to me. Maybe it's their 22-34 record. Maybe it's their league-worst attendance. Or maybe it's the fact that they allow their opponents to score a whopping 105.1 points on average. Whatever the reason, I do know one thing: the Pacers are not going to be championship contenders for a long, long time.

Why? A number of reasons...

1) They have no cap flexibility. For some reason, Larry Bird decided that it would be a good idea to take on Troy Murphy's astoundingly bad contract in the Stephen Jackson trade. This means that the Pacers are saddled with $32.9 million over the next three years for a player who wouldn't start on more than a quarter of NBA rosters. The Pacers also pumped a ridiculous amount of money into Jermaine O'Neal, who now hates the team and is pulling a Vince Carter to get out of dodge (we'll discuss this more in a minute). Combined, that's over $30 million in deadweight salary next season. If you're following along at home, that's nearly half of Indiana's payroll.

2) The Pacers have a number of holes which they seem reluctant to fill . They lack athleticism at the guard position and the Murphy/Diogu platoon just isn't getting the job done at power forward. Apparently Larry Bird likes shooters, though. He tried to bring in Mike Miller from Memphis before the trade deadline, even though he already has Mike Dunleavy, Jr. playing nearly the exact same role. Unless I'm mistaken, successful teams don't generally have two unathletic swingmen playing at the same time. Especially two unathletic swingmen who don't defend well. Given that Indiana allows 105 points per game (third worst in the NBA), they can't afford to make a deal like that.

3) The only way the team can help itself is through trades and the trades that are available won't bring back equal value. Since there is little room under the salary cap, Bird has his hands tied in terms of free agency. At the same time, he is dealing with a very unhappy player (O'Neal) who appears to be either (a) feeling the effects of injury on his aging body, or (b) doing his best Vince-Carter-in-Toronto routine. O'Neal's stats have taken a significant dip this season and he keeps pining for a move to New York so that he can rejoin his old comrade Isiah Thomas. It doesn't seem like Bird will move O'Neal before the trade deadline, but even if he waits until the off-season to move J.O. he won't be able to get equal value in return. It's well-publicized that Jermaine doesn't want to stay in Indiana. That, combined with his decline in scoring and rebounding, is enough to drive O'Neal's price waaaay down. Thanks to his poor bargaining position, Bird is either stuck with a cancerous star for the next two years or a bunch of mid-level players whose contracts (hopefully) expire by 2010. It's a no-win situation. Which means the Pacers won't be good for quite some time.

I've listed three reasons, and that's probably enough to qualify this team as Hell team. But let me throw out a few more in case you're not convinced. Jamaal Tinsley can't end his love affair with guns. Danny Granger is peaking too late in his career and will have a short-lived prime. Mike Dunleavy, Jr. has had a good season but is regressing in February (which signals an end to his Era of Productivity). And Shawne Williams seems reluctant to put in the work needed to reach his considerable potential. Other than that, this is a great team to get traded to.

 

Fourth Circle: The Pressure Cooker (Charlotte Bobcats)

Can you imagine playing or coaching for an organization run by the greatest player in NBA history? Can you imagine the pressure of doing your job in the shadow of the legendary Michael Jordan? It has to be tough. Just ask Charlotte's coach Sam Vincent, who was once a teammate of Michael's with the Chicago Bulls. After less than one year on the job, Vincent is already rumored to have lost the confidence of his players. 13 blowout losses thus far (including one to Miami and one to Philly) suggest that this accusation is correct. If Vincent is shown the door at the end of the season, Jordan will be hiring the third Bobcats coach in as many years. That kind of inconsistency is liable to drive a team nuts.

Speaking of driving people nuts, it has to be increasingly frustrating for the organization to continue negotiations with former lottery pick Emeka Okafor. Over the summer the Bobcats offered Okafor what they felt he was worth (due to his inconsistent play and the frequency of his injuries). No one is certain what figure the Bobcats actually offered Okafor, but suffice it to say it was below Okafor's liking because he politely declined. Apparently, Meka considers himself a max money player. Now he's on a tear, picking up double-double after double-double. Meka currently leads the team in rebounding (11.1 boards per game) and blocks (1.7), so if he leaves, he takes an incredible amount of defensive production with him.

If Okafor does decide to leave, Jordan may find a significant amount of pressure on his shoulders. There aren't many quality big men available on the free agent market and it's unlikely that the premier power forward of this crop (Elton Brand) will sign very far from Los Angeles (where he has a production company).

If Jordan loses Okafor and can't secure a replacement of equal or better value, the Bobcats will be in hot water in 2009. Right now the team is piddling around at 19-37 (and that's with a good interior defense) and they've suffered 13 blowout losses. With Okafor gone, the premier big man on the Bobcats would be...wait for it...Nazr Mohammed! Yes, the same Nazr Mohammed that Detroit gladly surrendered recently in a trade with Charlotte to free up a roster spot for Chris Webber (who signed with Golden State instead). Mohammed is a serviceable big man, but he's certainly not the kind of guy you build a playoff contender around.

Besides Mohammed, the team is filled with athletic scorers like Jason Richardson, Gerald Wallace, Raymond Felton and Adam Morrison (who is out for the season, but will return next year). But even with all of those scorers, the Bobcats just can't seem to find the winning touch. Since the team's inception in 2004, Charlotte has yet to top 35 wins in a season; which explains why they have the 23rd highest attendance in the league. You can chalk up the losing to bad coaching, but that's what the Bobcats said last offseason. At some point you have to stop blaming the failed coaches and start blaming the guy who hires the failed coaches.

Michael Jordan was a 6-time champion, a winner of multiple MVP awards and a Top 50 All-Time player. Much of that success can be attributed to his relentless competitiveness and the demanding expectations he put upon himself and his teammates. However, Jordan's track record after his playing days has been less than impressive. As the expectations mount, it will be interesting to see if Air Jordan handles pressure in the executive suite as well as he did on the court.

 

Fifth Circle: The Crazy Factory (New Jersey Nets)

This is the first franchise that came to mind when I was conceptualizing this idea of NBA Hell. (Congratulations, Nets fans!). In terms of current success, the Nets appear to be doing ok (at 25-31). But beneath the surface, the Nets are struggling in a major way. New Jersey has suffered 17 blowout losses this season, most of them to teams that they will potentially face in the playoffs. In case you are wondering, 17 blowouts is by far the most of any team considered for this article (even lowly Memphis comes in at only 14 blowout losses).

The main reason for all of those blowouts is a lack of focus. But given the type of individuals on this team, a lack of focus is certainly to be expected. The Nets are a bunch of loonies. Vince Carter is King of the Slackers. Marcus Williams inexplicably stole laptops from a friend in college and (unsurprisingly) has yet to develop NBA skills at the PG position. Sean Williams is probably minutes away from hitting the bong as you read this. Lawrence Frank goes all Mike Gundy ("I'm a man. I'm 40") whenever someone calls Carter out. And Richard Jefferson is so frustrated that he went Sprewell on a guy named Lyle Fox in a Minnesota bar last month. It's a screwed up bunch.

New Jersey is in a pretty bad spot financially, too, having awarded Vince Carter a four year, $62 million extension this off-season. Carter has started only 44 games this season and is enjoying the worst scoring output of his career since his rookie year (21.5 pts/game). His periphery stats are looking ok, but that's more a product of playing within a Kidd-run system. Unfortunately for Carter, Kidd isn't around anymore to bail him out. With his departure, Kidd takes with him not only the threat of a triple-double every night but also the leadership component that was holding this club together on a nightly basis. Which begs the obvious question: If the Nets were 23-30 with Kidd, what will they be like without him? Worse, of course. But how much worse?

With the expiration of a few contracts, including the Human Suck-ville (Jamaal Magloire), the Nets do have some wiggle-room in the offseason. However, most of that free cash will likely go to keeping the services of underappreciated forward Bostjan Nachbar. Whatever the Nets decide to do in the offseason, it isn't likely to help much. This group of combustible personalities reminds me of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge on MTV. If you put people like The Miz, Abe, Derrick and C.T. in the same room for any extended period of time, you're guaranteed to see the fireworks fly. The same philosophy holds true for the 2008 New Jersey Nets. I feel really sorry for Devin Harris.

 

Sixth Circle: The Place of Inescapable Doom (Minnesota Timberwolves)

Alright, so I'm probably going to get in trouble for this one. But T-Wolves fans hate me already for undervaluing Al Jefferson on our Top 25 Under 25 list, so what the hell? Here goes nothing.

The problem with the Minnesota Timberwolves is that they are completely and hopelessly doomed. Don't believe me? Check out the following reasons and then we'll see if you disagree...

First of all, they are doomed by the fact that they play in frozen Minnesota and they have to offer free agents more than those free agents are worth just to get them to consider joining the franchise. The organization has a better chance of getting league approval to build an arena on a frozen lake than they do of landing a marquee free agent.

Second, they are doomed because they have hired horrible coach after horrible coach with no hope for better direction in sight. Randy Wittman will be the third coach in a row to be fired and that's just in the last three seasons. Can we all just agree that Minnesota's ownership has a horrible taste in coaches and should turn their next search over to a third party specialist? This would solve at least part of the problem. And it would be a great news story as well. Can you imagine if Kevin McHale hired Donald Trump to pick his next coach? We'd see stories about it on SportsCenter for weeks.

Third, Minny is doomed because Al Jefferson isn't a franchise player and he knows it. Why else would Jefferson knowingly sign for less than max money last offseason? He knows his limitations and he's willing to accept it. The guy puts up great production, but he's not a leader, not a natural winner. It's not his fault. He's like Iguodala, a born second-banana.

Fourth, the T-Wolves are doomed because they have a quarter of the roster from a miserable 2006 Boston Celtics team and the other three quarters comes from their own miserable team from 2006. Let's face it, there are very few winning personalities here. Antoine Walker is the closest thing they have to an established veteran presence. NOBODY on the team besides Walker has a shred of playoff experience. As a general rule, if your team is made up completely of players from losing teams, your future team will also lose. It's called transferrance and it's usually right.

Fifth, the Timberwolves are doomed because they have a considerable amount of money to spend this offseason, but unfortunately that money is going to be spent by Braindead GM #1, Kevin McHale. With Theo Ratliff, Sebastian Telfair and Gerald Green coming off the payroll, Minnesota has enough money to shore up their already talented nucleus and complement Jefferson. Unfortunately, their organization has proven time and time again that it is not smart. Therefore, McHale will probably sign a player like Corey Maggette, who often lacks focus and whose skills duplicate what he already has in Rashad McCants. If not Maggette, you can bet that McHale signs someone equally as damaging and unrewarding. He can't help it. It is his way.

And, finally, the Timberwolves are doomed because they are building a youth movement in a conference where other teams, like the Trailblazers, are already doing it ten times better than they are. The Trailblazers are going to be the team to beat for years and years. They have a great corps of hard working, talented players (personified by All-Star Brandon Roy) and a hard-nosed coach who provides them with discipline and focus. On the other hand, the Timberwolves have 13 blowout losses, a 2-23 road record and a coach who wouldn't know focus if he was jammed, head-first into a lens. Who do you think will be the better Team of the Future?

I'm sorry to come down so hard on you, Timberwolves fans. I know you've had a tough go.

 

Seventh Circle: The Island of Misfits and Outcasts (Memphis Grizzlies)

Speaking of doomed NBA franchises... ladies and gentlemen, the Memphis Grizzlies!

After three straight promising seasons from 2003-2005, a.k.a. the Promising Pau Gasol Era, the Grizzlies organization fell flat on its face in 2006-07 and it doesn't look like they'll be recovering anytime soon. I call Memphis "The Island of the Outcasts" because they have an outcast GM in Chris Wallace (who was previously ousted in Boston for being incompetent), an outcast PF in Darko Milicic (widely regarded as one of the biggest draft day busts in NBA history), and an outcast center in Kwame Brown (ditto the Darko comment). With all of these raging incompetents wandering around, it's hard to imagine Memphis as a contender for a long, long time.

Grizzlies fans seem to agree. Memphis currently has the second-worst average attendance in the league. The only team lower than the Grizz? The boring, malcontented Indiana Pacers. The Grizzlies' arena remains only 70% filled on a regular basis; which is a shame considering that the FedEx Forum only holds about 15,500 people to begin with.

And you can hardly blame the Memphis fans for staying home. The team is a paltry 14-42, on pace to finish with the worst record in franchise history. They surrender an average of 105 points per game to their opponents and have been blown out 14 times this season; the latest of which was a 20-point loss to the banged-up Cleveland Cavaliers.

The future doesn't look much brighter than the present, either. Chris Wallace tried to justify the Pau Gasol trade as a salary dump. But even as a straight salary dump, that trade was one of the most egregious errors of this NBA generation. Wallace managed to acquire only one expiring contract in the deal (Kwame Brown) and also failed to unload Brian Cardinal's deadweight contract ($18.8 million over the next three years). In terms of young talent, he failed to enhance his team, settling for PG Javaris Crittenton when the Grizzlies already have two terrific point prospects in Kyle Lowry and Mike Conley, Jr. This renders Lowry expendable; which is unfortunate because Lowry's going to become quite a player in the next few years.

The Grizzlies also acquired two first round draft picks in the trade. Let's be realistic, though. Those draft picks are no big coup for Wallace. At best, they'll be 25th or 26th overall picks and we all know how ineffective Wallace is with multiple first round selections. Remember 2001? Remember Kedrick Brown and Joe Forte? Where are Brown and Forte these days? Europe? The ABA? Rudy Gay better get used to the fact that he won't have any help (other than Conley) for a long time.

The sad thing about this Island of Outcasts is that they would have some real nice pieces to build around if they weren't completely handicapped by their GM. Marc Iavaroni is a promising coach. Rudy Gay is an explosive young SF who is enjoying a breakout season. Mike Conley, Jr. is the next in line to help along the Great Point Guard Renaissance. Mike Miller (who Wallace unsuccessfully tried to move in a second burst of incompetence) has one of the best shooting strokes in the league.

Unfortunately, each of these talents will be wasted as they pass through the eye of Hurricane Wallace. If Grizzlies fans expect their GM to use his newly acquired cap space to land a high-end free agent, they are out of their freakin' minds. With one of the smallest market teams in the league, Memphis has a realistic shot at few of the elite players walking onto the sidewalks of free agency. My buddy King and I had a conversation about this recently. We decided on only one player with a reasonable chance of landing in Memphis: Monta Ellis. I pray that he isn't that unfortunate.

 

Eighth Circle: The Long Road of Betrayal (Seattle Supersonics)

I wrestled long and hard with the concept of putting Seattle in the Ninth Circle of NBA Hell. In the end I decided not to do it. The Sonics are in a bad place, that's certainly true. But they aren't in the deepest depths of the NBA Inferno (that spot is reserved for another team, which I'll get to in just a minute).

The good news is that the Sonics have Kevin Durant at swingman (who I sincerely believe will be a 30 points per game scorer and a unique game-changer in the NBA within the next four years) and Sam Presti at GM (who has proved so far that he has a solid head on his shoulders). Durant will keep fans interested in the team and Presti will make sure he (eventually) gets the help he'll need to take the Sonics to a higher level of play.

Unfortunately, this good news only carries the team so far. There is a lot of negativity surrounding Durant and Presti.

First and foremost in the negativity department is the presumed move to Oklahoma City, home of new majority owner Clay Bennett. Although Bennett does have his supporters in the Washington media, the fact remains that he is intent on putting the majority of the cost burden for a new Seattle arena on the fans and using an ultimatum as leverage to get what he wants. Under Bennett's plan, $400 million of the propsed $500 million budget for a new basketball venue would come from King County taxpayers. In other words, Bennett is putting the Sonics' fan base in his vice grip and squeezing with both hands.

The Oklahoma City move is not a done deal, but the mere suggestion of such a move is boiling the blood of Seattle fans, writers and local officials alike. These are not happy constituents and the result is clearly represented in Seattle's attendance drop this season. Seattle's average attendance has dropped by over 2,000 fans a night at home games. No matter what the outcome happens to be, this situation is in severe need of some damage control. Unfortunately, Commissioner Stern (caught in a rare instance of bad judgement) has only served to further stir the pot with his All-Star Weekend comments.

Another count against the Sonics is coach P.J. Carlesimo. Carlesimo has been misusing Durant all season, placing him at SG and forcing him to guard smaller, quicker players. He has also failed to reign in Durant's shot selection, giving him the green light on everything from forced runners to hand-in-his-face long range jumpers. P.J. also chose to start Jeff Green over vet Wally Szczerbiak before Wally World was shipped to Cleveland. Szczerbiak was the second-leading scorer on the team. What was that all about?

Carlesimo fits in just fine as a whipping boy until the Sonics can re-load and secure some support for Durant and Green. But in regard to Presti's long-term plan, P.J. isn't the answer. I understand Carlesimo's lineage (having come from San Antonio). But in my opinion, the Sonics would be better off under assistant Scott Brooks.

Speaking of long-term plans, the Sonics will have to wait three or four years (at the least) before they're competitive. With attendance low and tensions high, Bennett is unlikely to shell out for an expensive free agent this offseason. Even if Bennett is willing to open his pocketbook, who among the free agent class is going to want to walk into this den of stress? As such, the Sonics will re-build through the draft (with 13 picks in the next three drafts, Presti is sitting pretty) and hope for the best.

Given the recent betrayals, hope is about all the Sonics have.

 

Ninth Circle: The Writhing, Charcoiled Masses (New York Knicks)

Is there anything worse than being cooked alive? Because that is what is happening to Knicks GM/head coach Isiah Thomas right now.

Knicks fans hate him and call for his head. NBA analysts skewer him on a regular basis. Reporters pepper him with the same inane questions about losing. And casual NBA fans toss his name around as a constant punchline. Hell, Thomas even took his shots in court this summer. In terms of being a public figure, it doesn't get any worse. Unless your last name is Spears, of course.

Things aren't much better for the Knicks on the court, either. The team is 17-39 (the second-worst record in the miserable East). In 28 games at home, 17 of them have been losses. The Knicks score fewer than 95 points per game. And their attendance has dropped to 10th in the league. All of this while nursing the biggest payroll in the league.

The Knicks are spending roughly $20 million over the salary cap this season (which means owner James Dolan is shelling out an extra $20 million over the $88 million payroll thanks to the NBA's luxury cap rule). And with only three featherweight expiring contracts this season (Dan Dickau, Fred Jones and Randolph Morris), the Knicks will be in the red for at least one more year. In other words, ownership is dealing out major money for an inferior product. It's enough to make Anunche Brown Sanders smile with delight (if she can actually understand what's going on that is...).

Among the bad contracts: Jerome James ($12.8 million over the next two years), Stephon Marbury ($21.9 million/1 year), Jared Jeffries ($19.2 million/3 years), Quentin Richardson ($18.2 million/2 years), Eddy Curry ($31.4 million/3 years) and Zach Randolph ($48 million/3 years). I'm going out on a limb here; not one of these players will make an NBA All-Star game during the life of his contract.

The worst part? Thomas has roughly $80 million committed to Curry and Randolph over the next three years and he has all but given up on them. Something he discussed in the media recently. Thomas apparently considers his big men as liabilities because of their inability to play "small ball". That's all well and good, Isiah. But aren't you the man responsible for bringing these guys to New York? It's not like you inherited Curry. There was no gun to your head in offseason negotiations with the Trailblazers for Randolph. Why don't you take responsibility for your mistakes?

The question is hypothetical, of course. But the answer is easily discerned. Thomas doesn't take responsibility for his mistakes because Dolan, as owner, doesn't hold him accountable. This makes the two of them accomplices in the biggest dupe-job in the league. The Knicks masquerade around as the Yankees, throwing money at players with no limit and no regard, but they get only half the results the Yankees do. Criticize the Yanks all you want (I know I do), but at least they make the playoffs every season.

To summarize, the Knicks are the second-worst team in the worst conference in the NBA, yet they have the league's highest payroll. They've committed tens of millions of dollars to overpaid headcases. They don't have a legitimate point guard or a team leader. They won't have money to spend until 2010, barring another disastrous payroll mistake. They suffer under the worst GM/head coach in the league (with all due respect to Chris Wallace, Isiah Thomas is ten times worse). They endure relentless media pressure because of high expectations and low performance. They don't have enough playing time to go around because their GM duplicates positional players. As such, some of their best young players can't develop (because they're stuck behind high-paid minute-eaters). Their owner is stubborn, stupid and short-sighted (prompting fans to launch their own protest website). And they're the laughingstock of the league, not to mention a personal embarrassment to Commissioner David Stern.

This final point is the only hook that Knicks fans can hang their hopes on. There's no way that Stern lets one of his premier franchises toil away for much longer. Which is why you can guarantee a LeBron James sighting in New York unless the Cavs win a championship within the next two years.

Until then, you're going to have to fry in the hot coals, Knick fans. Your franchise is currently the most miserable in the league. Welcome to the lowest level of NBA Hell.