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Sports Interpreter Vault: August 2008
Have you noticed that you can't understand anything that athletes say these days? Well, that's because they're trying to trick you by speaking in code. Kind of like the Wu-Tang Clan. Fortunately for you, I'm a linguist; a linguist who just happens to speak "athlete". Today's translation comes to you free of charge.
August 28, 2008 - Adam "Pacman" Jones
Adam "Pacman" Jones (DB, Dallas Cowboys): "I have to conduct myself like an NFL player to make sure none of these actions come again. I work hard every day to make sure I don't make the same mistakes."
Translation: "Thank you, Mr. Goodell, for putting these words in my mouth. They sound good. Even though I don't quite know what they mean."
August 27, 2008 - Joe Girardi
Joe Girardi (Manager, New York Yankees): “It’s not where you want to be, but no hole is too deep to climb out of. You have to prepare, you have to execute and you can only look at tomorrow’s game.”
Translation: "I'm turning into Major League Baseball's version of Isiah Thomas. An over-his-head coach who can't face the truth and keeps trying to blow sunshine in the New York media. My team just isn't cutting it. But I keep trying to sugar-coat things. My head is officially on the chopping block right now."
August 22, 2008 - Carlos Boozer
Carlos Boozer (PF, Utah Jazz & Team U.S.A.): "[Kobe and I are] good friends, so none of what he does surprises me."
Translation: "Kobe pays me to be his friend and spread good words about him in the media so he can rebuild the lost empire of endorsements he once had."
August 21, 2008 - Hope Solo
Hope Solo (Goalkeeper, U.S. Women's Soccer): "I think the team changed for the better [when new coach Pia Sundhage joined the team]. A lot of truth came out. It's kind of a new role for female sports -- we don't have to be best friends to collaborate, put our hearts out on the field and win a gold medal."
Translation: "I'm just glad that asshole Greg Ryan is gone. Now I don't have to worry about having my job yanked away from me on a whim. And you know what else I don't have to worry about? Getting along with my teammates. Who cares if we like each other or not? We just won a gold medal."
August 20, 2008 - Usain Bolt
Usain Bolt (Olympic Gold Medalist, Jamaica): "I just blew my mind, and blew the world's mind."
Translation: "As the world's fastest man, it's not enough for me to simply beat everyone. I have to beat them with style and exuberance. I'm a showman. Next time I race, I'm going to ease off with 10 meters left and blow a kiss to every woman in the crowd."
August 13, 2008 - Michael Phelps
Michael Phelps (Olympic swimmer, United States): ""My goggles kept filling up with water during the race... I wanted a world record, I wanted 1:51 or better, but in the circumstances not too bad I guess."
Translation: "I guess I didn't do too badly in the 200-meter butterfly. After all, I won an Olympic gold medal and beat the World Record. But really, who are we kidding? The only person I'm competing against is myself and I wanted to do better than that. If I didn't think that way, I wouldn't be Michael Phelps."
August 12, 2008 - Paul Byrd
Paul Byrd (Pitcher, Boston Red Sox): "You only get so many chances. I don't want to be in a place where nobody cares or anything like that...Since I was a little boy, I've wanted to play in a World Series, and that hasn't happened to me yet. It's important to me personally, and I'm excited the Red Sox have taken a chance and put their faith in me. I want to deliver."
Translation: "I've already proved to the fans that I'll do anything to win. After all, I'm the same guy who got busted for HGH last season. Remember that? So when I say I don't want to be on a team that doesn't care about winning (clears throat) the Indians what I mean to say is that I'm thrilled to bring my cheating ways to Boston. Go Sox!"
August 10, 2008 - Brett Favre
Brett Favre (QB, New York Jets): "To a certain degree, I really don't know what I'm getting into."Translation: "I didn't really want to come to the Jets. Honestly, they were third on my list of places to be traded to. They don't really have a chance to win, which was one of my trade demands. I don't know what's going to happen this season. But it certainly doesn't look good."
August 7, 2008 - Chad Pennington
Chad Pennington (QB, formerly of the New York Jets): "My whole focus is on this camp and winning this starting quarterback battle. So I don't really have any thoughts...As a player, you never react until it's actually done."
Translation: "My whole world has just come crashing down. I'm worthless in New York now. They have Brett Favre. He's a superhero and all I have is a limp noodle for an arm. When I talk about the starting quarterback battle, I don't mean the one in New York. I've already lost that. I mean the one in Miami. John Beck is a bum; I can beat him with my eyes closed. Can somebody get Tuna on the phone?"
August 6, 2008 - Brandon Webb
Brandon Webb (Pitcher, Arizona Diamondbacks): "I just want to let fans know that I'm not the one who pulled [the contract extension] off the table. We just didn't see eye to eye on a couple of things, and that was it. I love Arizona, and this is my first choice."
Translation: "I'm going to be the Cy Young winner this year. I don't want team options. I don't want community outreach demands. I don't want to do media time. I just want to pitch and get this money so I can eat at Chipotle. Pay me what I'm worth and leave me alone."
August 5, 2008 - Manny Parra
Manny Parra (Pitcher, Milwaukee Brewers): "It's already taken care of. Nothing needs to be talked about. In the Minor Leagues, there's no cameras on it, [but] stuff like that happens all the time. I just want to focus on my next start."
Translation: "Prince Fielder, my own teammate, just beat my ass. But that's not the first time it's happened. I used to get beat up all the time in the Minors. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut in the dugout and focus on pitching from now on."
August 4, 2008 - Aaron Rodgers
Aaron Rodgers (QB, Green Bay Packers): "Well, there comes a time when (my) mentor and I get to compete, and I guess that's what's going to happen. If that's what happens, then I'm going to give it my best shot and leave the rest up to coach."
Translation: "I've already lost the starting job to Brett Favre and have resigned myself to the fact that I will be sitting on the bench for the Packers until the end of eternity. Or until Brett officially decides to move on; whichever comes first. This may happen when he's 40. It may happen when he's 65. Nobody knows except Brett, and even he changes his mind every 15 days. I do know one thing though. When that day does come, I'll be looking over my shoulder until the ball is snapped on the first play of that first game. Until then, there's always the threat that Brett will sweep in and snatch my job away again."
August 2, 2008 - Emeka Okafor
Emeka Okafor (Center, Charlotte Bobcats): "The Bobcats and the entire Charlotte community embraced me from day one," ... "It's exciting to enter this season with a Hall of Fame coach and teammates who are committed to winning."
Translation: "Now that the Bobcats have agreed to pay me what I think I'm worth, I'm willing to tell the Charlotte media anything they want to hear. With that in mind, hey, we're going to win a lot of games next season. We're going to improve under coach Larry Brown. And if we don't, I have this huge pile of cash to fall back on."
Sports Interpreter Vault
August 2008
July 2008
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