Ed's Weekly Beef

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Mike Gundy,

Now that you've sunk your teeth into Jenni Carlson and thrashed her around worse than that boa constrictor in Snakes On a Plane, I think it's time for you to sit back and take down a big tall glass of your own medicine. I know that ESPN has already aired the entirety of your rant on Sports Center and goofed on you for your three minute temper tantrum. I know that numerous college football beat writers (like David Steele) have already opened fire on your idiotic episode. And I know that Carlson's newspaper, The Oklahoman, has already backed her up. But I don't think you've heard a fan's perspective yet, Mike. Everyone else has told you how ridiculous you are, but you haven't heard it from Ed yet so sit down, take off that lousy visor and wipe the sweat from your forehead. It's time for some retribution!

First of all, I really want to know, how long did you practice this rant in front of the mirror before you came out to talk to the media? Twenty minutes? Forty minutes? It must've been a really long time because you nailed it, Mike. You hit it out of the park. When Bobby Knight loses 80 lbs and starts wearing a Texas Tech visor around everywhere and beats one of his players into submission, I'm sure you'll be the first one on ESPN's list for A Season On the Brink 2: The Red Raider Years.

Seriously though, Mike...your rant was three and a half minutes long, you went from 0 to ANGRY in less than a second and you paused for dramatic emphasis more times than Johnny Drama. Do you really expect us to believe that you came up with this out of the blue? You sounded scripted. You brought props. You delivered lines like "I'm a man. I'm 40!" You staged the whole thing; it's really, really obvious. I half-expected you to pull off the Mike Gundy mask and reveal Dennis Leary at the end.

I have to admit though, even Dennis Leary couldn't have come up with anything as good as the "If you're child goes down the street and somebody makes fun of him...or says he's FAT" line. It's like you've been practicing for this rant all your life. One minute you're calm, the next you're screaming at the top of your lungs like Tony Montana in Scarface. Al Pacino's disappointed; I hear he wanted to hear you end with "Say hello to my lil' friend!"

All things considered, there were a few redeeming aspects to your three and a half minute tirade. I agree that amateur athletes shouldn't be judged with the fervor that some media members and fan-bases come at them with. I agree that the media should reserve their harshest judgements for players who break the rules and act out of line. But at the same time, you're talking about a huge football story in a huge football community here. Zac Robinson replacing Bobby Reid as Oklahoma State's starting quarterback is big news in the state of Oklahoma. It should be obvious to you that the fans are going to want to know why a switch was made. It should be obvious that, as the largest circulating newspaper in the area, The Oklahoman is going to want to cover the story. You acted surprised; as if you expected the whole QB change to go off without as much as a peep. Well guess what Mike? You're being naive. Jenni Carlson didn't cover this story because she has it out for Bobby Reid. She covered the story because there are thousands of Cowboy fans out there who devote their entire lives to following your football team and they want to know what happened.

Getting back to your rant, Mike, I thought it was hilarious that you called the editor of The Oklahoman "garbage". It was really classy of you. An editor's job is to fact check, break a piece down to its elemental parts and give the public what they want to read. If the public wants to read about the change at starting QB on their local team and your beat writer delivers an in-depth piece with detailed examples, as an editor you go with that story. That's an editor's job. Nobody calls you garbage, Coach Gundy, when you're devouring a terrible opponent like Florida Atlantic and you make the call to go for a late-game touchdown. When you're in a competitive environment, like the newspaper industry, you have to go for the best story possible. That's all this editor did. That doesn't make him "garbage".

Speaking of the best possible story, how about that Bobby Reid kid letting his mother feed him chicken (as Carlson reported in the now-famous column). A 21-year-old, athletic quarterback who let's his mother feed him like a little boy?! No wonder you're so upset, Mike. Your quarterback is the biggest mama's boy since Forrest Gump. If I lived in Oklahoma, knew Carlson and heard she passed on a story like that I'd never let her hear the end of it. Can you imagine passing up a story about a world class athlete who worries like an 80-year-old grandmother, stays out of crucial match-ups with questionable injuries and has to take this test before he goes to sleep at night? No way. Not happening.

Coach Gundy, I applaud your performance -- you'll make a great actor someday or maybe a great politician -- but as a fan of college football I don't particularly care to hear your misguided attempt at the Humanitarian of the Year award. Your former QB is a finger-licking, Nervous Nelly momma's boy and you benched him for someone who you feel can get the job done like a man. You know that's how it is; much as you'd like to convince yourself that it's not the case. I don't blame you. If my top talent was a coddled little sissy I'd try to convince myself it wasn't true also. But when someone like Jenni Carlson comes along and calls it as she sees it -- which, by the way, is her job -- you don't have the right to come out and unload a public tirade like you did.

If you are in fact 40 and you are a man, you would know that attacking a columnist like that in public is a definite no-no. Not that you don't have a right to be upset, don't get me wrong, just don't do it while the cameras are watching. In private, you're welcome to take Carlson aside and tell her you're angry at her. In fact you're welcome to go all Ari Gold on her if you like. You can yell. You can scream. You can even drop the F-bomb like Jeremy Piven while flailing your arms in the air. Just don't do it at a press conference and don't do it when there are cameras around broadcasting it to 200,000 people on YouTube.

You may have won the battle in your locker room, Coach Gundy (no doubt your players love you for taking a stand against one of their own). You may have shown Jenni Carlson and The Oklahoman that you're no pushover. But I have to say, Mike, you are getting absolutely massacred in the battlefields of public opinion. Save your scripted rants for the post-season.

 

Sincerely,

Ed

 

 

 

 

 

 

Each week, Ed gets mad. And when Ed gets mad, it's not the ordinary oh hey I stubbed my toe on the door and it hurts like crazy mad. Not even close.

When Ed gets mad, it's like Charlton Heston in Planet of the Apes. It's a furious, white hot ball of anger.

In the past his friends have suggested everything: anger management, therapy, accupuncture...heroine. But none of that worked so we decided to try something different: Ed's Weekly Beef. Ed's rants are rarely original, thought-provoking or even sane. But hey, it's better than watching him get arrested again.

This week Mike Gundy better watch out, Ed's pissed.